


A Cad and a Bounder

by dharmaavocado



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Background Relationships, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:34:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27516163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dharmaavocado/pseuds/dharmaavocado
Summary: “You remember that Solo kid I ran a few jobs with?” he said.Obi-Wan sighed and sat up, sheets pooling on his lap and proving he was definitely not wearing a shirt.  “The one that swindled you out of the payment for the Alderaan affair?”“He didn’t swindle me,” he protested.  “It was a favor for Bail.  I wasn’t even getting paid.  Also put on a shirt.  I hate looking at your chest.”In which Anakin deserves all of this.
Relationships: Obi-Wan Kenobi & Anakin Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobi/CT-7567 | Rex
Comments: 33
Kudos: 501





	A Cad and a Bounder

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from the Bird and the Bee song _You're a Cad._
> 
> Fic based on this [post](https://dharmaavocado.tumblr.com/post/634517375616696320/its-nearly-3am-and-i-just-had-the-most) because it was too good to resist. Also let's just assume this takes place in some au where rots never happened.
> 
> Thanks as always to jynx/bluemaskedkarma for encouraging my nonsense.

Obi-Wan wasn’t answering his comm., and Anakin tired to remember what the local time was for Coruscant. Or were they back on Pantora now? He was pretty sure Obi-Wan had made a point of mentioning it last time they spoke, but to be fair he had been trying to outrun pirates by skimming gravity wells and he hadn’t exactly been paying close attention. Still wasn’t an excuse for taking Obi-Wan so long to accept the transmission. 

“Finally,” he muttered as the connection went through. Obi-Wan jumped into view. “Took you long enough. I need—” 

“Are the twins all right?” Obi-Wan said, bleary eyed. 

Anakin blinked. “What? Oh, yeah, they’re fine. Look, I called because—” 

“And Padmé?” Obi-Wan shifted enough that it became clear he was shirtless. Gross. “Is she well?” 

“She’s fine. She and the kids are on Naboo while the senate is in recess.” 

“And are you in any immediate danger?” Obi-Wan continued patiently. “You’re not dying or currently on fire?” 

He scowled. “Okay, first of all, the _ship_ was on fire, not me. And that only happened twice. Three times at the most, and one of those was Ahsoka’s fault. I really need your he—” 

“I’m glad to hear that everyone is safe and healthy. Given that there is no current emergency, there is no real reason for you to be contacting us at this hour.” And Obi-Wan promptly disconnected. 

“You asshole,” Anakin said, and immediately called back. 

“No,” Obi-Wan said, and cut the connection again. 

Anakin tried again, and Obi-Wan didn’t even accept the transmission. That was fine. He was in hyperspace for the next nine hours with nothing better to do. 

On the fourth attempt, Obi-Wan accepted with a curt, “You have ten minutes. I’ve started a timer.” 

“You remember that Solo kid I ran a few jobs with?” he said, aware that Obi-Wan wasn’t bluffing about the time limit. 

Obi-Wan sighed and sat up, sheets pooling on his lap and proving he was definitely not wearing a shirt. “The one that swindled you out of the payment for the Alderaan affair?” 

“He didn’t swindle me. It was a favor for Bail. I wasn’t even getting paid. Also put on a shirt. I hate looking at your chest.” 

Obi-Wan’s expression was one Anakin vividly remembered from his adolescence that meant Obi-Wan had lost what remaining patience he had for Anakin’s antics and was therefore going to increase whatever he was doing to teach Anakin a lesson out of sheer spite. It was also, unfortunately, the same expression Leia had inherited. 

“The point,” Anakin said quickly, “is that the kid and I have a history.” 

Obi-Wan was definitely more awake because now he looked both resigned and disappointed, which was another staple expression from Anakin’s childhood. “What kind of history?” Obi-Wan asked. 

This was the part he wasn’t looking forward to. “You remember that time we got stuck behind enemy lines on Allu and were cornered by those Separatist insurgents in the capital?” 

The disappointment was quickly outpacing the resignation. “If you’re referring to the incident where you suggested you and Rex engage in public affection in order to fool the pursuing forces then yes, I unfortunately remember that despite my best efforts.” 

“Well,” Anakin said, “unlike you and Rex, Solo agreed that, you know, making out would throw those bounty hunters off our trail.” 

And there it was, the Obi-Wan Kenobi Disappointment Special, which implied that Anakin would probably die without his intervention and Obi-Wan was seriously considering rescinding future said intervention. 

“I suppose this is the part where you explain that was not an isolated incident,” Obi-Wan said. 

“In my defense it worked and Solo’s a pretty good kisser. And sometimes you just want to celebrate not dying.” He gave Obi-Wan a pointed look. “I know _you_ understand that.” 

“Ah. Well.” Obi-Wan cleared his throat. “I take it this became a habit?” 

“I wouldn’t say a habit, but, you know, you gotta pass the time somehow. And before you ask, Padmé and I have an agreement where we both—” 

“I very much did not ask,” Obi-Wan said, grimacing. “Please do not explain your marriage to me again.” 

He rolled his eyes. “I do not understand your weird hang-ups.” 

“Not wanting to know the intimate details about your marriage is not a ‘weird hang-up,” Obi-Wan said. The mound of blankets next to him snorted. “You’re running out of time. Perhaps you should consider getting to the point.” 

“Turns out Solo isn’t that much younger than me,” Anakin said. “And you know I had the twins young.” 

“I am very aware,” Obi-Wan said dryly, probably remembering all the nights he had to be the one to coax the twins back to sleep because Anakin was too busy having an existential crisis to fulfill his parental duties. 

“Solo’s on the older end of the spectrum, but he’s still barely within range for the twins.” 

“Is he now?” Obi-Wan said, and his expression was, just as Anakin feared, morphing towards delight. 

There was no going back now, and Anakin really was desperate. “He showed up on Naboo the other day asking for them. He’s dating Leia.” 

“If I’m understanding you correctly,” Obi-Wan said in the same tone of voice he used when negotiating Dooku’s surrender, “the man you committed crimes with— 

“Completed legal jobs of a transactional nature,” he corrected. 

“— _committed petty crimes_ with and occasionally—what’s that delightful term you used to describe what you did?” 

“Made out,” Anakin said, defeated. 

“Ah, yes, thank you. The man you committed petty crimes with and then occasionally made out with is now dating your daughter?” 

“It sounds even worse when you put it like that,” he said, which was when the mound of blankets started laughing. He sighed. “Hey, Rex.” 

Rex emerged from the blankets, cheek creased from the pillow and also shirtless because this was Anakin’s life. “Good morning, sir,” Rex said because he was a shit who totally deserved Obi-Wan. 

Anakin slumped low in the pilot’s seat. “Let’s get it over with.” 

“Get what over with?” Rex slung an around Obi-Wan’s shoulders to present a united front. Anakin deeply regretted ever promoting him. 

“Whatever smart remarks you have,” he said. “Spit it out so we can get to the part where you actually help me.” 

“Anakin,” Obi-Wan said in that arch tone that never failed to make Anakin want to claw his own face off, “I’m sure we don’t know what you mean about ‘smart remarks.’ I certainly don’t have any prepared. Rex?” 

Rex’s head cocked to the side as if he was back on the battlefield and doing some quick and dirty math to determine where it was best to direct the artillery strike to cause the maximum amount of casualties. Rex was, Anakin remembered with a sinking feeling, extremely gifted at that. 

“Well,” Rex said, “if I were to offer an opinion—” 

“Don’t,” Anakin said softly. 

“I would say this is a—what’s the word I’m looking for?” 

“Comeuppance,” Obi-Wan offered. 

“Thank you.” Rex pressed a kiss to Obi-Wan’s temple; Anakin made a face. “Comeuppance for certain past actions. 

“Oh, come on!” Anakin threw his hands up. “I said I was sorry for Genosis!” 

“I didn’t say Genosis,” Rex said. “That’s very interesting that’s where your mind went.” 

Anakin scowled. “You have to get over it. I saved your life, and the wall wasn’t even that high.” 

“Anakin,” Obi-Wan said sharply in reprimand. 

“Sorry, master,” Anakin muttered reflexively before he caught himself. “Wait, no, I’m not sorry!” He jabbed a finger at Rex; the holo fizzed and jumped. “You made it out alive, and I’ve apologized many times, but you can’t let it go. You even roped my kids into it. Do you know how terrifying it is to be woken in the middle of night by a four year old glaring at you from an inch away because she just remembered that I threw Uncle Rex off a wall and she’s really angry about it? _Do you?”_

“Is it as terrifying as having reoccurring nightmares of falling to your death?” Rex asked. 

Anakin gave up. “Fine, so this is my comeuppance. Will you please help me?” 

Obi-Wan raised an eyebrow. “What do you expect us to do?” 

“I don’t know. Fix it?” 

Now they were both laughing at him. He should have put a stop to their relationship when he had the chance instead of encouraging it. 

“I don’t think there’s any fixing this,” Obi-Wan said. “And before you suggest it, you know that only trying to encourage Leia to terminate the relationship will go very poorly for you.” 

“That’s what Padmé said,” Anakin muttered. 

“That does raise the question,” Rex said. “Why are you convinced that Leia is dating this Solo?” 

“Of course it’s Leia,” Anakin said. “Why wouldn’t it be Leia?” 

“You just said he asked for the twins.” Rex shrugged. “There’s no reason he’s not seeing Luke.” 

And the artillery strike landed with unerring accuracy right where Rex wanted. 

“Luke would never date that scoundrel,” Anakin protested. “He’s a good kid.” 

“I’m sure he’s not dating Solo,” Obi-Wan said. “It sounds as if this Solo is a scoundrel, as you say, and a cocky pilot who isn’t above taking advantage of legal loopholes. I dare say no one in your family would find that the least bit attractive.” 

“Oh god,” Anakin said in with dawning horror, “that’s all our type, isn’t it?” 

“You didn’t know?” Rex asked. “Cody’s been running bets on this for years.” 

Anakin groaned and clutched at his face. “He could be seeing either one of them.” A terrible thought descended on him. “What if he’s dating _both_ of them?” 

“Look on the bright side, sir,” Rex said, “he can only get one of them pregnant.” 

Anakin had served with Rex for the entirety of the war where they saved each others’ lives so often that Anakin had long since lost count. Hell, Rex was the first person after Obi-Wan to hold the twins after they’d been born. He’d even been the one to teach them how to fire a blaster. Rex was his brother in all but blood, but if that bantha fucker had been in front of him Anakin would have cheerfully murdered him without a second thought. 

“Well,” Obi-Wan said, probably sensing the murderous intent wafting from him, “your time is nearly up.” 

“Wait, don’t go,” Anakin said, desperate. “What should I do?” 

“That is something you must discover for yourself.” Even shirtless and with half his hair flattened, Obi-Wan was the perfect infuriating image of a Jedi master, and Anakin _hated_ him. “But I will leave you with this.” Despite himself, Anakin leaned forward better to hear what came next. Obi-Wan smiled. “I mean this from the very bottom of my heart: you absolutely deserve all of this.” 

“Time’s up, sir,” Rex said and disconnected before Anakin could do more than squawk in outrage. 

That went about as well as he expected. Well, there was nothing else for it. He punched in Ahsoka’s frequency. It was Steela who answered. 

“Uh, hi.” He never knew how to act around her. “Is Ahsoka around?” 

“Is this about the Solo kid?” Steela asked. 

“How do you know about that?” 

“Senator Amidala contacted Ahsoka yesterday.” 

Fuck. 

There was indistinct shouting from outside the field. Steela was doing an admirable job of not smiling as she said, “Ahsoka said to tell you that you deserve this, Skyguy, and she’s thrilled it’s happening.” 

“She’s laughing at me, isn’t she?” Anakin said. 

“Sorry,” said Steel, and at least sounded like she meant it. 

“Tell her I will get her for this.” 

“I’m sure you will,” Steela said, which was the most sympathy he got all day. “Good luck.” 

And with that Anakin was alone but for the stars streaking past. In a brief moment of madness he nearly contacted old Torrent members before catching himself. He wasn’t that desperate yet. 

This called for drastic measures. He was going to have to break Solo and his kids up. They could do better, anyway. 

A month later Leia wasn’t speaking to him and Luke had dismantled Anakin’s favorite speeder and refused to put it back together again. Padmé, because she loved him, only laughed at him for two straight days instead of an entire week. Solo was hanging around like stray loth cat looking for scraps, and Anakin still had no idea which of the twins he was dating. The only good thing to come out of the entire mess was that Rex finally let the whole Genosis thing go in favor of reminding him about this instead. He’d take it. 

“I almost feel bad for saying this,” Obi-Wan said when they were all together again, “but you do—” 

“Yeah, I know,” Anakin said, giving in with smile. “I deserve this.” 

**Author's Note:**

> If you're wondering, Anakin absolutely caught Obi-Wan and Rex making out and was very scandalized. "Really, guys?" he said, clapping a hand over Ahsoka's eyes. "Right in front of my padawan?"
> 
> And this fic once again proves I really only like Anakin when he's a hot mess express.
> 
> If you enjoy this nonsense pop on over to my [tumblr](https://dharmaavocado.tumblr.com/)for even more nonsense because I think I'm hilarious.


End file.
